The house full of light again

>>>Warning: Sorry for this long and kinda negative post - it's a vent, so bear with me, those who dare reading it till the end! <<<

Two weeks ago, Lucas went away to spend his Winter vacations at his dad's, seven hours away from me. Those who know me a bit longer know that since I broke up with my ex, school vacations are a nightmare for me. Unfortunately, my ex lacks a good parcel of common sense, and his family is very dysfunctional, to the point of my son's grandparents, on Lucas' first visit after separation, having the nerve and irresponsibility of putting him - who was supposed to spend that night with them - in a taxi all by himself late night from one town to another, half an hour away from there, to meet his dad who was spending the night with his girlfriend at hospital when she had a hernia crisis. Lucas was afraid of spending the night without his dad and cried (he was six back them), so his grandfather, instead of going with him, was lazy and simply put in in the taxi, not thinking that something could happen in the drive, like an accident, an assault, or the driver, a very kind but also very old man, could have a malaise. 

Anyway, there's always a "surprise" in these visits (this time - so far that I know - the "only" thing that happened was that his grandpa destroyed Lucas' beloved tree house. The one his grandpa built. Why? To build a new poulterer with the wood blanks. This shrank his little heart, he loved that little tree house, and the stupid man was insensitive enough, as usual, to destroy it just to use the damned boards!!!!), so I feel really tense and just can't relax until he's back home again. It was not different this time, and as always, I made a "calling all witchy and non-witchy friends" convocation at Facebook, asking to help me surround him with good, protective vibes, and as always, you did not fail me. :o) I thank you all, from the bottom of my heart, for the lovely support, good thoughts, protective spells and rituals. You are all the best! :o) And he always takes his dream pillow pinned inside his pillow and a protective rune hand-sewn and hand-embroidered by me tucked into his plush giraffe he sleeps with.

While he was away, every morning I would lit at my altar a white candle with his name carved and surrounded by protective symbols, offering it to Demeter, the Mother Goddess and to Cernunnos, asking them to protect and defend my little witch during that day.

Tonight, I gathered into the cauldron all the wax remainings, added a dab of pomegranate and mint and burned them as a thank-you offering for these lovely Goddess and God who took good care of my little witch:

To hugely worsen things, I was very sick when he left, and the flu took too long, developing to the beginning of a pneumonia - I'm still recovering from it, but way better than before, thank the gods! This stuff is evil! Psychologically, my little witch's presence was the best medicine that I could take!

But what I want to say here is that I do need to learn to deal better with this situation. This is something that will happen twice a year. Twice a year, for two weeks Lucas will spend his Winter and Summer vacations at his dad, and that's how things are. I should get less tense, I should 'trust' their tiny common sense, I should, I should... That's what my relatives and friends tell me, and I know they're right. I do get mad at myself for being so dramatic in my thoughts. Truth is that my ex and his family are terrified of me since the taxi incident. I made sure to terrify them at the phone, then. So it's unlikely that something bad would ever happen to my son. But my imagination runs wildly. And there's this irrational, maternal feeling that things will only go well if my son is under my eyesight. It's stronger than me.

This is something that disturbs me, my lack of self-control in this specific situation. For the first time, I even needed to take sleeping pills some nights or I wouldn't sleep at all - because of my illness + my fear and anxiety. During the days, it was easier, I was busy taking care of myself and feeling miserable, even trying to work in between nausea and cough crisis, and  - more importantly - having fabulous friends to cheer me up. I don't know how it would be without you. But when I was in my bed at wee hours and the meds' effects were gone, ugly scary ghosts would haunt me. My horrible last times with my ex at that place is a major subject that I try to forget, so just the thought of my son spending weeks there, with those people, drives me crazy.

So I'm trying to manage my feelings, to find a way on how to deal better with this, since it's a permanent situation. I don't want to live like this forever. I know I will always get worried whenever he's away, like any mom does, but I don't want to have this huge weight in my heart every time. It's not healthy. I want to say so long to him at my doorsteps, take deep breaths, ask my friends' good vibes, pray to my gods, get worried but knowing he's having fun, and welcome him back afterwards, simple like that. Be the leaf.

But yes, this house is again full of light, sound, and life! :o)