Wednesday, August 1, 2012

The house full of light again

>>>Warning: Sorry for this long and kinda negative post - it's a vent, so bear with me, those who dare reading it till the end! <<<

Two weeks ago, Lucas went away to spend his Winter vacations at his dad's, seven hours away from me. Those who know me a bit longer know that since I broke up with my ex, school vacations are a nightmare for me. Unfortunately, my ex lacks a good parcel of common sense, and his family is very dysfunctional, to the point of my son's grandparents, on Lucas' first visit after separation, having the nerve and irresponsibility of putting him - who was supposed to spend that night with them - in a taxi all by himself late night from one town to another, half an hour away from there, to meet his dad who was spending the night with his girlfriend at hospital when she had a hernia crisis. Lucas was afraid of spending the night without his dad and cried (he was six back them), so his grandfather, instead of going with him, was lazy and simply put in in the taxi, not thinking that something could happen in the drive, like an accident, an assault, or the driver, a very kind but also very old man, could have a malaise. 

Anyway, there's always a "surprise" in these visits (this time - so far that I know - the "only" thing that happened was that his grandpa destroyed Lucas' beloved tree house. The one his grandpa built. Why? To build a new poulterer with the wood blanks. This shrank his little heart, he loved that little tree house, and the stupid man was insensitive enough, as usual, to destroy it just to use the damned boards!!!!), so I feel really tense and just can't relax until he's back home again. It was not different this time, and as always, I made a "calling all witchy and non-witchy friends" convocation at Facebook, asking to help me surround him with good, protective vibes, and as always, you did not fail me. :o) I thank you all, from the bottom of my heart, for the lovely support, good thoughts, protective spells and rituals. You are all the best! :o) And he always takes his dream pillow pinned inside his pillow and a protective rune hand-sewn and hand-embroidered by me tucked into his plush giraffe he sleeps with.

While he was away, every morning I would lit at my altar a white candle with his name carved and surrounded by protective symbols, offering it to Demeter, the Mother Goddess and to Cernunnos, asking them to protect and defend my little witch during that day.

Tonight, I gathered into the cauldron all the wax remainings, added a dab of pomegranate and mint and burned them as a thank-you offering for these lovely Goddess and God who took good care of my little witch:

To hugely worsen things, I was very sick when he left, and the flu took too long, developing to the beginning of a pneumonia - I'm still recovering from it, but way better than before, thank the gods! This stuff is evil! Psychologically, my little witch's presence was the best medicine that I could take!

But what I want to say here is that I do need to learn to deal better with this situation. This is something that will happen twice a year. Twice a year, for two weeks Lucas will spend his Winter and Summer vacations at his dad, and that's how things are. I should get less tense, I should 'trust' their tiny common sense, I should, I should... That's what my relatives and friends tell me, and I know they're right. I do get mad at myself for being so dramatic in my thoughts. Truth is that my ex and his family are terrified of me since the taxi incident. I made sure to terrify them at the phone, then. So it's unlikely that something bad would ever happen to my son. But my imagination runs wildly. And there's this irrational, maternal feeling that things will only go well if my son is under my eyesight. It's stronger than me.

This is something that disturbs me, my lack of self-control in this specific situation. For the first time, I even needed to take sleeping pills some nights or I wouldn't sleep at all - because of my illness + my fear and anxiety. During the days, it was easier, I was busy taking care of myself and feeling miserable, even trying to work in between nausea and cough crisis, and  - more importantly - having fabulous friends to cheer me up. I don't know how it would be without you. But when I was in my bed at wee hours and the meds' effects were gone, ugly scary ghosts would haunt me. My horrible last times with my ex at that place is a major subject that I try to forget, so just the thought of my son spending weeks there, with those people, drives me crazy.

So I'm trying to manage my feelings, to find a way on how to deal better with this, since it's a permanent situation. I don't want to live like this forever. I know I will always get worried whenever he's away, like any mom does, but I don't want to have this huge weight in my heart every time. It's not healthy. I want to say so long to him at my doorsteps, take deep breaths, ask my friends' good vibes, pray to my gods, get worried but knowing he's having fun, and welcome him back afterwards, simple like that. Be the leaf.

But yes, this house is again full of light, sound, and life! :o)

5 comentários:

Anonymous said...

I can honestly relate in a *huge* way! When my son goes to his father once or twice a year (for quite a few months at a time), I do not like it at all. Lack of common sense is a big issue for me! And my son's stepmother is not at all reassuring, no matter how much she tells me about her education (in childhood education) and experience with children.

There are many, many more factors, but the lack of parental common sense is the one that bothers me the most. Last night, I said the same thing to my husband: That I've got to find a better way to deal with this, because it is a permanent situation. (People often ask me if I will try to get full custody; no, I won't. My son loves his dad and would miss him if he didn't see him. His dad loves him. He's a responsible man with a good job - he's just not that smart about parenting all the time.)

Scolding my ex when he does something stupid doesn't fix anything. Neither does dwelling on the situation. So I place a favorite shirt of my son's under his pillow and try to wait patiently for his return.

I'm *so* glad Lucas is home with you!

Marcia Stewart said...

Dear Sweet Nydia...

I feel your pain as a mother and grandmother. That mama bear instinct is very very strong in some of us.

I can relate to your situation with my son and his wife having a child when they are so young and now another baby on the way in December! They are 22 and 23 years old and very irresponsible. My husband and I care for our grandson much of the time. I dread when he is at home with the two of them and we are not there to protect him. They are not abusive, but neglectful, naive and downright stupid sometimes...I raised my son with more common sense but you wouldn't know it!

Anyway, I had a real hard time dealing with this situation at first. The baby is now 16 months old and I remind myself that he is under the protection of the goddess. I keep the faith that she will always protect him and keep him safe.

Don't lose faith. I know Lucas has a special place with the goddess and she will protect him also. Lucas is a smart boy and as he gets older, you will become more comfortable with him being away from you.

Hang in there!
Hugs and Kisses to both of you!

Nar said...

Your daily ritual brought tears to my eyes. I adore the bond you have with Lucas. You two are very lovely people. I'm glad he's back home with you where he belongs. *hugs*

Unknown said...

You shouldn't beat yourself up, or even try to change the way you feel--it wouldn't work anyway. I've been there, I've had terrible times with my oldest son's father -or donor as I'd rather call him because how the heck did I hook up with such a psycho and not know it ahead of time? Probably because I was supposed to be the mother to that boy--this young man. I am the balance to the unbalanced. So are you!! Don't compare your troubles to someone else's troubles either, your troubles are no less than someone else's, just different and just as valid.

Try to create a room, where you can put those troubles and fears. Install a badass woman, say...Wonder Woman kick the ass of those fears and troubles. You aren't denying them or trying to separate them, you are understanding they are valid but that worrying about them can't change them. Address what needs to be addressed--let your inner Wonder Woman kick ass and take names when needed.

Be the balance you are. Lucas is a special little boy, and has a special Mother. As much as this stuff really sucks to deal with(and it does-no doubt), he will be just as good a man as he is little boy now. Don't speak ill of the dead--uh, dad--and don't let the ghosts hang on, be Now and zen as you can.

Ditto on loving your ritual!! I need to be more focused on ritual, but we do what we can, I go pick stuff and soak and send magic, you do ritual--works for me! Hope you got the lavender magic I was sending out yesterday. I have a huge pile of lavender to dry and package, my kitchen smells awesome.

Mutableblue said...

This brought tears to my eyes. I know all too well that fear and lack of *light*. I always felt so afraid when my daughter would leave with her father. I did an old custom of throwing a handful of dirt after her as they pulled out and drove away and would always say *stay safe and return to me happy, healthy and whole*. Now she is mine 24/7 as her father stopped making any effort over a year ago because her cancer diagnosis was *too much* for him. He lacked common sense with her and made VERY poor choices. I did everything in my magical repertoire to keep her safe, so I'll be sure to join the masses twice a year in keeping your adorable witch safe and protected. x