Tuesday, December 22, 2009

Anxiety crisis...

I swear this my last whining post! But something so unusual happened to me two nights ago that I have to vent. I spent all day feeling weird, my head so heavy behind my eyes, a little dizzy... I went to sleep with a light headache. Around 2am, after having a stupid nightmare with Lucas' ex-teacher, I woke up with my heart beating in my throat, you know the sensation? Super-fast and still that heaviness in my head. I felt an anguish inside. Then I started to rationalize it, and obviously found out: Lucas' vacation time with his dad and family is getting closer (Rodrigo will pick him up around 26th), and I was so worried about it, knowing, unfortunately, how mean peope are and the battery of questions and bad-mouthing my son will have to face there, I was constantly with bad, negative thoughts, even without wanting. My conscious side knows it's okay to worry, it's my first time away from him, etc, etc, etc. But my unconscious side was tricking me in a very deep way and I wasn't noticing it properly.

When it was almost 4am, I got up, and woke up my brother Evaldo. I had to, didn't want to be alone in that anxiety/panic crisis. Enough to say that my sweet, wonderful brother stayed with me, talking about what was distressing me until I calmed down again, and even made some do-in (he's great with it) to relax me. He had never seen me like that (neither had I myself!), so he stand by me all the time.

I could finally relax enough to be alone to sleep one hour later, and I decided to totally bloc every single negative thouhgt that come to my mind. There's nothing I can do besides very carefully, not to make hgim worry, to give Lucas some advices, and let him go. Period. Everything will be okay, whatever damage that people make will be reversed when Lucas is back, an in the end, this will be a good experience for the both of us, making my little witch more independente (like me...), and the first time away will be over soon.

What impressed me was the intensity of this crisis, the first time I have. I never thought that my "controlled" fears and worries could take me this way affecting my organism. For my well-being and health, I do have to let go, and relax. Phew!

1 comentários:

Bridgett said...

Oh Nydia...I understand. I'd be upset in your shoes too.

I do hope his visit with his father is going well and that he'll be home with his mommy very soon.