Saturday, September 18, 2010

When stars collide

Okay, time to vent. Again. It's becoming an annoying pattern... Let's do it from the beginning... I was always considered a bit weird at home concerning my ideas about the spiritual world and all, a little bit of a freak because I love candles, I love incenses, elemental forces and spells... I was always the one who fell in love and trusted too many times just to see the relationships end the worst way possible, owning an incredible rotten finger for men. I'm too passionate in what I believe, and used to dive in the pool before checking if the water wasn't too cold or too hot for me. At least on this, I changed a huge lot. No way I'll get into any swimming pool before testing temperature with my toes - actually right now I don't want to get even close to one. 'Bout time!

But around 13 years ago, when I started my spiritual path as a Wiccan, and along the years while I deepened my studies and felt myself more and more connected to my path, it was exactly when I left home to live in Rio to start the Journalism course at college (that I had to abandon after some periods for lack of money). So my family didn't deal on a daily basis with my experiences, and then I married my ex, worked to keep the bills paid and kept my pagan path. I was all independent, living my life, and visiting my family when I could on weekends. As most of you know, one year ago evrything changed, I left my bad marriage and returned to my mother's house with my little witch.

Let me make it clear: I am very lucky and blessed for having a fun, loving and supportive family. We've been through hell some times, like at my father and sister's illness and death, and the strong bond we have is rare, specially among my siblings and I. And this is where it hurts more. Since we moved in, I restricted my "louder" witchy activities to the bedroom I share with my son, not to change more than the already changed routine - it's just fine, our altars are set here as well as my tools, no big deal. I always talked openly about my path, and my mother, in all her 77 years old wisdom and life experience, accepts me as a witch, even consulting me about some details she's curious about. Okay, when Lucas was born she insisted for some years that I should baptize him in the Catholic church - all her children and grandchildren are after all, but we finally had a ultimate mature talk that put everything in the right place, and she understood it would go against all my beliefs and never insisted again. She's the one I show my creations first, and she loves hearing the details on each deity's story embroidered in my dolls, a great supporter and wonderful mom.

But I've been noticing something I wasn't really expecting, not at this level. Two of my siblings keep throwing, here and there, pinches of mocking at my faith, at the way I raise my son, and I always took it on a light way. I love my brother and my sister, they supported me many times when I needed, and I really dn't want to get into an ugly word-fight that will lead nowhere, since I absolutely don't need to prove anything to them. I'm okay and in peace about my pagan path. But I'm starting to get really upset with this. They never, ever sit for five minutes with me (like my dearest aunt Sandra did some months ago) to try to understand what it's all about before criticizing me. I can have a grown-up conversation on the subject for hours, debating differences that are normal when two paths meet, but if there's something I dislike is simple and pure mockery. It's like being treated like a child again. So now, unfortunately, instead of simply swallowing and letting it go (mainly in respect of mom, who suffers watching us argue), I started defending myself. Not mocking back, but cutting their own mocking sharply and fastly, specially with my "Is this interfering in your life?" question that has no reply.

I feel so sad and uncomfortable to see this happening with two people I love so deeply. I don't give a damn to their beliefs, they can be Christian, buddhist, atheist, whatever. If I know they're happy, I'm happy too. That's how it should be.

I'm sad because this is a HUGE part of my life. I don't lecture at anyone about paganism, I'm discreet and respect other's paths, I've found my balance. I live my life like everyone else. I listen to the same rock, blues, Brazilian bands, I watch the same silly comedies, deep movies. I read the same Asterix and Asimov and Stephen King, and kid's comics. I eat the same food everyone else does. But I'm a witch. And denying this would be a big mistake. My spiritual path as a Wiccan is too important for me.

I feel sorry that this became such an issue and taboo among us. We can talk about anything, we do have a great relationship and great, fun chats, but when the word "witch" is spoken, a bomb is dropped. I believe that when we truly love, we respect one's choices (An it harm none do what ye will...). They should be glad for me. I don't want to fight, but I know time is coming that I will need to literally sit and say my truth. And it upsets me, I hate the stress it will bring.

7 comentários:

Mother Moon said...

I think that what you just explained is something that anyone who has a thought or belief that is contrary to the norm has to deal with. It is esp. difficult with family because there is so much feeling there. I hope that for you and Lucas that it is something that is settled in an easy manner. Yet I also commend you for standing up for yourself. never an easy thing with family. blessings to both of you

Lilac Wolf (Angie or Angela) said...

I think you are right to defend yourself. You aren't being mean or ramping up the fighting, you are purely defending yourself and that is right, especially where Lucas is concerned.

On that note, I am so jealous of the relationship you have with your family. My brother and I never talk except at a few family dinners scattered thru the year.

Anonymous said...

Nydia, I am so proud of you for standing up for your beliefs and for Lucas. I think all of us who follow a different path, especially from Christianity, go through the same thing on some level.

Thank you, you have pointed something out to me that I couldn't quite put my finger on and that is the "mockery". I have experienced this too, from inside the family and out. It makes me feel uncomfortable and like I need to question my beliefs. I too have recently begun standing up for myself and my beliefs, as I think we all need to.

I wish you the best when if finally comes down to discussing this issue with your brother and sister. They may not agree with you, but I hope they can respect your path and your teachings to Lucas.

Love and Blessings,

Mama Kelly aka Jia said...

So sorry that you're dealing with this Nydia. I know what it's like as we live with my dad who likes to mock those things he cant understand or wont accept.

No matter how comfortable we are in our own skin those little jabs can be quite painful.

Big hugs and many blessings

Holly, the Old Western Gal said...

Nydia, I am very cynical. I think they are falling back into their old ways of bossiness to "the littlest sister" and SHAME ON THEM. I think also they think they know better -- maybe there is some fear thrown in -- and maybe some jealousy. I would let them have it out of earshot of your mother.

Don't get me started on families!!!

amy said...

I understand but on the other hand I tend to feel sorry for those who don't even want to hear a little bit about a loved one's spiritual beliefs. My inlaws are all super crazy christians and then my family is not and my extended family is not so it's weird when they recently came for a visit. I should write about it but then on the other hand I try to stick to creative things and some seasonal inspiration on my blog. But maybe I will anyways! :) They have to know that since you are a wonderful person you aren't involved in anything sinister.

Alexis Kennedy said...

My beloved Nydia, I am so proud of you. Standing firm in what you believe and practice is difficult enough, but to have to do it with people you cherish makes it almost impossible sometimes. Know that you are loved world wide and we are all here for you if you need us.