Monday, August 17, 2009

Time to change

I spent some minutes here looking at the blank page without knowing where to start, and without the energy to start to write. Thing is that Rodrigo and I are definitely breaking up. I'm totally drained inside myself. We had another fight on Saturday over nothing. First because I forgot throwing the old can of cooked beans that were on the fridge away, and then because the meat wasn't ready on time for his lunchtime (although on Sats he doesn't "work", so there's no specific time to eat, and it was noon yet, so I relaxed about it, without knowing it would be something so hard). Silly things that would never make a person to loose his temper. Unfortunately he lost his, and in front of our son. Summoning up, it's time to change this. I don't want to lose the bit of respect I still feel for him, and so does Lucas, so there's no other alternative but leaving. I'm really really tired of his tantrums, I never know when the next one will come. When calm, he's even a good person, but when nervous, he simply overreact, there's no criteria, anything is a reason to an explosion.
I know I'm not perfect, I still have a long way to learn in life, but I don't think we have to live like this. No one deserve this kind of life, specially Lucas, who witnesses everything lately, for my interior despair. So, for our mental, emotional health, I took the hardest decision, leaving with Lucas to Petropolis by the end of the month (so Lucas can at least finish his school semester, I'll try to stay till then, just don't know ifit will be bearable). I'm so sorry that it had to end this way, after watching this beautiful house being built, with so much in mind and heart, thinking things would be fine, but this wasn't the first time that we have this kind of problem, in Rio we weren't 100% ever. Postponing this decision longer would be a bad idea. We all need a healthy environment to live, and I do need to feel better about myself, notthe trash he makes me feel when he says the bad words as if everything I do is worng. I know that in ten years I worked outside full-time, so the daily routine of a house wasn't so easy to follow, at least according to his starndards, but I was doing my best, and I bet I would be perfect in due time, if time was allowed to me.
Since Saturday, I have long talks with Lucas, because he's asking me all the time about our situation, and this morning we talked again, more deeply, and although sad enough, he understands why we're going to grandma's home. I'm doing everything to make this a bit easy to him, it is already so hard for his little heart to accept being away from everything he learned to love, and from his dad, but he's such a special brave little boy, trying to see the best out of it. I just came from his school to talk to his teacher (wonderful woman), and also to the school psychologist, so they are aware we'll leave sometime, and to keep an eye on Lucas concerning his behaviour while we're still here. They are great people, and assured me to take good care of him, and as this is the Family week (all scholl in this city are participating of this, kinda seminary about families in general and their importance - what a coincidence, yes?), they'll make sure to explain that there are several types of family, etc, so he won't feel so different.
I'm sorry for throwing all this here, but I nned to vent. Keep us in your minds this week, we need the best energy possible.

15 comentários:

Lilith Silvermane said...

Nydia, The strength of the Goddess is so evident in your words and your actions.

I know there are times you feel alone and unloved, however those are the times you need to look for signs the most. She is there.... we are all there.

I understand.. I get it, I feel for you and am so sorry you had to find your inner strength in this way. It takes all times and situations that prove to us who we truly are beneath the smiles and "good girl" persona we have to put on much of the time.

You have so many pixel shoulders, the strength of your sister (in spirit) and your mother (in physical form ) with you and the love of your son.

Love you a lot and am thinking of you daily!

greekwitch said...

I am so sorry about everything. You are the first woman i have heard (or saw) having such grace in such a difficult time. You are so strong.
You will be in my mind and my heart.

Marlyn said...

Nydia...

You are so right that you nor Lucas deserve to be treated badly or disrespected. All of the Goddess's creations deserve to be treated with dignity and respect.

You are a very strong person filled with such grace. You will do the right thing for you and Lucas.

The Goddess be with you and your friends are here for you too.

Blessings and kisses,
Marlyn

intothedawn said...

Nydia, my friend-

I had no idea it was so bad between you & Rodrigo. I am so sorry to hear you have been living in such a terrible situation. You deserve to be treated with love & respect, and I'm proud that you are putting your foot down and moving out.

It will all come out right in the end, and may the Gods & Goddesses watch over you and Lucas and comfort & bless you as you make these difficult changes in your lives.

Many, many hugs & kisses!

Olde Dame Penniwig said...

Honey, of course you should post about your life and situation! That's why I come to your blog, to read about you and yours. I am just sorry that this is happening to you.

I am so glad you have your mother's house to go to.

Nydia, I am so happy that you are such a strong-minded and strong-hearted person. And that you can see that the way you are being treated is wrong. I haven't seen a marriage yet where when one partner is bad to the other, that it doesn't get worse later.

That Rodrigo! To him I say, well, TOO BAD SO SAD for you, buddy, you lose a beautiful soul with your BAD CHOICES. I feel a lot of anger at him. I mean, a person's behavior is BY CHOICE, people who make the choice to be mean to their loved ones really anger me, and yes, they sadden me too, but they are in the WRONG.

Hang in there, dearie. All I keep thinking, is "poor thing, poor thing." But you will be fine, ONE STEP AT A TIME as we say in Alcoholics Anonymous, ONE DAY AT A TIME...

Suzie the Foodie said...

Oh I just had to write, you poor thing. I can't imagine how hard things must be for you. I want you and Lucas to know that I am a child of a divorced family and as hard as it is to have my parents divorced, it was much more painful when they were together and angry all the time. It is a hard road to walk but you will survive and you are so brave and strong for knowing it's time to walk away. There is nothing wrong with that, my spiritual magickal warrior friend.

Big hug to you and Lucas. Please let me know if there is anything I can do for you, OK?

Janet said...

I know this wasn't an easy decision to make but sometimes we have to do what is best for ourselves. It sounds as if your situation was not a happy one so if you and Lucas leave maybe things will be better for both of you. I know you are strong and will do you, and he will adjust. I'm sending you both big hugs.

Mama Kelly of 2 Witches Blog said...

Oh Nydia!!

While I know you didnt come to this decision easily and Im sure you are certain it is the right one to make,
I am so sorry to read this.

I am glad that you have your mother's home to go to and can only hope that Lucas' adjustment is an easy one.

Know that I will be holding you and yours in my thoughts and hope that life is sweeter for you soon.

Blessings!

Jupiter Greenmoone said...

What a hard decision to have to make! But nobody deserves to be treated in such a manner and I truly believe you will find happiness once outside this situation. I wish you the best and you are truly in my thoughts. Best of luck.

Tori said...

This is your blog, you don't need to feel bad about venting here! You deserve happiness. And you'll stay strong and find that happiness. I'm keeping you in mind! Best of luck. <3

Bohemian Single Mom said...

Ohhh Nydia....I don't know what to say!! This is so sad.
I'm impressed with your strength and courage and honesty...it must be so hard after all the work and waiting for your new home, to have this be the end.

I send you hugs and strength.
You are so strong, stronger than you realize. Lucas will be fine because he knows he is loved, he knows he matters, and that he is the most important.

Take care, be brave & welcome to the wonderful world of single motherhood! You are a fabulous mom and everything will be alright.
xoxox
hugs to Lucas

Angela said...

Omg hon I am sorry. I had hoped you all would be able to get through this and I know it hurts so bad. I will be lighting a candle for you and your family tonight!

amy said...

We will be thinking of you during your transition. I am glad to know that you are not going to put up with negativity and that you are explaining things to Lucas. That will make everything easier and so much better in the long run I think. You deserve every happiness and to be with someone who is able to love and encourage you to fulfill your destiny in life! Blessings and happy new moon coming up to you with new beginnings.

Chaos and love said...

<3 to all of you. Sending peaceful vibes to you!!!

Dani said...

I'm so sorry that you guys are going through this, but you are doing what is best for you and Lucas. I know it will be hard for a while, but if you're half as strong as you are, I know you will be fine in the end.

Muito beijos to you and Lucas!
Dani