An imperfect witch

What I'm about to post here will be totally opposite to my regular posts, and may sound incredibly weird for those who know me in the blogland, and it's a story only a couple of virtual friends and a few people in my non-virtual life know about, including my family, always surprising me being so incredible and supportive. It may also "shock" (does anybody still get shocked with close people's imperfections/mistakes/dumbness?) a few blogger friends, but what can I say, I'm human... And now that things are okay, I can vent.

Last month I got a big fright, and a good lesson. I had my period late, and thought I was pregnant. Summonning up, I had an explosive/disastrous/incredible/unreal date (for me, at least) with a special someone from my past - who somehow is always present in my life, but I'm working on it to "break the spell" - I never talked about him here because there's really nothing to be said, this love beast was long ago put focidly asleep in the bottom of my soul, not to be awaken for a second. I always knew that, after being for ten years into an unhappy marriage - when actually so many things I wanted to be real in Rodrigo were not, if that makes any sense, something like this date would only happen with this person, who was a landmark in my life, but I never thought it would be so hard to deal with (knowing we don't belong together and all), and with such unexpected "surprise". Anyway, it scared the hell out of me the simple thought of being pregnant. Spare me the sarcasm of being so stupid for,my age, letting this almost happen, I have already done it pretty well over the last weeks, me of all people who's always been so careful and responsible...

What I know is that this gave me a huge shake to my soul. Until being sure everything was only a consequence of my overstress and notorious anxiety about Lucas' vacation, as my doctor explained, I freaked out, but didn't want to talk about it here for the obvious reasons, something so intimate and serious should only be talked about after confirming it. I was so divided between the love of maybe bringing a new life to mine, and the terror of knowing that, due to my double womb (for those who don't know, I have a didelfus womb, divided it two), it would be a super-risky pregnancy, and I would have to be in bed the whole time, just like when I was pregnant with Lucas. That's what I was so worried about, like how would I fetch Lucas to school, when I had no one to help me (my brother is a photographer and is away all day long)? And housekeeping? More importantly, without a home? Without a job? Completely broke? And at the same time, feeling so stupid and irresponsible, etc, etc, etc. And also feeling guilty for not wanting this supposed pregnancy, being the natural mom that I am, being pagan, devoted to the Goddess who cherishes all lives... It was a living nightmare.

With it came an obvious lesson about not being so inconsequence, irresponsible, not letting myself again being taken by the moment. It also helped me to finally put a huge stone in my frustrated love past (maybe someday I'll post about it, if you can bear with me still). And it's good to be imperfect, weird as it may sound.