Saturday, March 6, 2010

An imperfect witch

What I'm about to post here will be totally opposite to my regular posts, and may sound incredibly weird for those who know me in the blogland, and it's a story only a couple of virtual friends and a few people in my non-virtual life know about, including my family, always surprising me being so incredible and supportive. It may also "shock" (does anybody still get shocked with close people's imperfections/mistakes/dumbness?) a few blogger friends, but what can I say, I'm human... And now that things are okay, I can vent.

Last month I got a big fright, and a good lesson. I had my period late, and thought I was pregnant. Summonning up, I had an explosive/disastrous/incredible/unreal date (for me, at least) with a special someone from my past - who somehow is always present in my life, but I'm working on it to "break the spell" - I never talked about him here because there's really nothing to be said, this love beast was long ago put focidly asleep in the bottom of my soul, not to be awaken for a second. I always knew that, after being for ten years into an unhappy marriage - when actually so many things I wanted to be real in Rodrigo were not, if that makes any sense, something like this date would only happen with this person, who was a landmark in my life, but I never thought it would be so hard to deal with (knowing we don't belong together and all), and with such unexpected "surprise". Anyway, it scared the hell out of me the simple thought of being pregnant. Spare me the sarcasm of being so stupid for,my age, letting this almost happen, I have already done it pretty well over the last weeks, me of all people who's always been so careful and responsible...

What I know is that this gave me a huge shake to my soul. Until being sure everything was only a consequence of my overstress and notorious anxiety about Lucas' vacation, as my doctor explained, I freaked out, but didn't want to talk about it here for the obvious reasons, something so intimate and serious should only be talked about after confirming it. I was so divided between the love of maybe bringing a new life to mine, and the terror of knowing that, due to my double womb (for those who don't know, I have a didelfus womb, divided it two), it would be a super-risky pregnancy, and I would have to be in bed the whole time, just like when I was pregnant with Lucas. That's what I was so worried about, like how would I fetch Lucas to school, when I had no one to help me (my brother is a photographer and is away all day long)? And housekeeping? More importantly, without a home? Without a job? Completely broke? And at the same time, feeling so stupid and irresponsible, etc, etc, etc. And also feeling guilty for not wanting this supposed pregnancy, being the natural mom that I am, being pagan, devoted to the Goddess who cherishes all lives... It was a living nightmare.

With it came an obvious lesson about not being so inconsequence, irresponsible, not letting myself again being taken by the moment. It also helped me to finally put a huge stone in my frustrated love past (maybe someday I'll post about it, if you can bear with me still). And it's good to be imperfect, weird as it may sound.

6 comentários:

Lilac Wolf (Angie or Angela) said...

My only concern in this story is how much you beat yourself up about it. We've all had those moments, and hello my 2nd child with my husband was a ooops - even with birth control it sometimes gets away from you.

As for the Goddess and loving all life, that doesn't mean you need to recklessly create life and the Goddess does have ways to control such things that I don't think would be there if it weren't to give us some control.

Finally thank you for sharing something so deeply personal and I hope that you are able to move on and feel better about yourself.

Holly, the Old Western Gal said...

Nydia, instead of describing yourself as "imperfect," how about turning it around and describing yourself as "perfectly normal and owner of a perfectly loving heart."

What a terrible scare. Kindly stop berating yourself about what might have been, could have been, my gosh, you have been through hell, and were so nervous for Lucas, and also the hurt a person feels when they have ended a marriage, could anyone with a heart blame you for any impulsive behavior???

Naukishtae said...

Dear Sweet Nydia, I am a very old witch.. I still act irrasionally at times.. we are none of us perfect.. look around you at all the indiginous peoples of our Mothers Planet.. when art is created, a flaw is placed if the object does not yet have one, so evil spirits can escape through the flaw.. Our Mother created us the same way.. we are none of us perfect.. but we are all of us the Goddess' children.. please do no harm to your spirit by speaking about yourself in this fashion.. you are loved.. be at peace dear one..

Be Blessed

Naukishtae

Mama Kelly said...

Nydia

None of us is perfect and we all have moments of leaping without looking first. I am sorry for the stress and worry that you endured and I am glad that you shared your story here so that we can support you and that I can just wrap you in a virtual hug.

Kelly

Kallan said...

Hi Nydia!
I'd say you were a perfectly normal witch by what I've read here. We are creatures of emotion and we act irrationally at times. What makes you a perfect witch here is that you took responsibility and took time to learn the lessons from your 'scare'. Not a thing wrong with that. Lesson learned.. and now on to the next one. Kudos to you!! and BIG HUGS!

Blessings in abundance to you and Lucas..
Kallan

Bridgett said...

We've all been there, Nydia. Truly.

Humans are passionate people and that unrestrained passion can sometimes lead to things we don't fully anticipate or necessarily even want.

Don't beat yourself up. Everything you felt was valid.

Much love to you!