Time to change

I spent some minutes here looking at the blank page without knowing where to start, and without the energy to start to write. Thing is that Rodrigo and I are definitely breaking up. I'm totally drained inside myself. We had another fight on Saturday over nothing. First because I forgot throwing the old can of cooked beans that were on the fridge away, and then because the meat wasn't ready on time for his lunchtime (although on Sats he doesn't "work", so there's no specific time to eat, and it was noon yet, so I relaxed about it, without knowing it would be something so hard). Silly things that would never make a person to loose his temper. Unfortunately he lost his, and in front of our son. Summoning up, it's time to change this. I don't want to lose the bit of respect I still feel for him, and so does Lucas, so there's no other alternative but leaving. I'm really really tired of his tantrums, I never know when the next one will come. When calm, he's even a good person, but when nervous, he simply overreact, there's no criteria, anything is a reason to an explosion.

I know I'm not perfect, I still have a long way to learn in life, but I don't think we have to live like this. No one deserve this kind of life, specially Lucas, who witnesses everything lately, for my interior despair. So, for our mental, emotional health, I took the hardest decision, leaving with Lucas to Petropolis by the end of the month (so Lucas can at least finish his school semester, I'll try to stay till then, just don't know ifit will be bearable). I'm so sorry that it had to end this way, after watching this beautiful house being built, with so much in mind and heart, thinking things would be fine, but this wasn't the first time that we have this kind of problem, in Rio we weren't 100% ever. Postponing this decision longer would be a bad idea. We all need a healthy environment to live, and I do need to feel better about myself, notthe trash he makes me feel when he says the bad words as if everything I do is worng. I know that in ten years I worked outside full-time, so the daily routine of a house wasn't so easy to follow, at least according to his starndards, but I was doing my best, and I bet I would be perfect in due time, if time was allowed to me.

Since Saturday, I have long talks with Lucas, because he's asking me all the time about our situation, and this morning we talked again, more deeply, and although sad enough, he understands why we're going to grandma's home. I'm doing everything to make this a bit easy to him, it is already so hard for his little heart to accept being away from everything he learned to love, and from his dad, but he's such a special brave little boy, trying to see the best out of it. I just came from his school to talk to his teacher (wonderful woman), and also to the school psychologist, so they are aware we'll leave sometime, and to keep an eye on Lucas concerning his behaviour while we're still here. They are great people, and assured me to take good care of him, and as this is the Family week (all scholl in this city are participating of this, kinda seminary about families in general and their importance - what a coincidence, yes?), they'll make sure to explain that there are several types of family, etc, so he won't feel so different.

I'm sorry for throwing all this here, but I nned to vent. Keep us in your minds this week, we need the best energy possible.